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Goodbye beer, goodbye cheesesteaks, goodbye bagels, goodbye pizza. Man I love you guys, but I’m getting a little too chubby for comfort and at the ripe old age of 28 years of age losing the weight just ain’t gonna get easier. Don’t worry I’ll come visit you guys every couple of weeks.

Pet peeves about being on a health kick:

1. Parents and relatives who make comments about you gaining weight, yet always want to take you out to Italian restaurants. I know you mean well and thanks for the free veal piccatta n’ mash potatoes Ma! Now I’m gonna be doing windsprints n’ chewing celery for the next 3 days. Next time let’s go to a place with a good salad menu.

2. Tri-athetlete/personal trainer/kickboxing/acrobatic/breakdancer friends who bust on you for not drinking at parties. Thanks guys! Because my drinking soda water is really harshing your mellow and fucking with your ability to have a good time. When I get MY body fat down to 8% and tweak my metabolism to run like the Warner Brother’s roadrunner on crystal meth I’ll happily suck down Micro-brews n’ hoover buffalo wings with you. Until then shut the fuck up or if you pass out I swear to god I’m gonna tape your asscheeks together breakfast club style.

3. The MOTHERFUCKING Harris Benedict Formula:

To determine your total daily calorie needs, multiply your BMR by the appropriate activity factor, as follows:

1. If you are sedentary (little or no exercise) : Calorie-Calculation = BMR x 1.2
2. If you are lightly active (light exercise/sports 1-3 days/week) : Calorie-Calculation = BMR x 1.375
3. If you are moderatetely active (moderate exercise/sports 3-5 days/week) : Calorie-Calculation = BMR x 1.55
4. If you are very active (hard exercise/sports 6-7 days a week) : Calorie-Calculation = BMR x 1.725
5. If you are extra active (very hard exercise/sports & physical job or 2x training) : Calorie-Calculation = BMR x 1.9

What the fuck is the difference between “moderate” and “hard” exercise? What if you do hard exercise 5 times a week? Why can’t I find an explanation for this anywhere on the internet? Who are Harris and Benedict anyways? Are they adleast skinny so I can trust they know what the fuck they are talking about? Is this the same Benedict who invented the eggs?

4. Tofu. Is it good for you? Or is it bad for you? Half the shit I read on the net says it’s the 2nd coming of Christ. The other half says it’s gonna raise my estrogen levels n’ make me grow man boobs. I mean…I love boobs n’ all…just not on me…But since I’m dieting I can’t really eat red meat and eating a dozen hardboiled eggwhites a day gets a little old after awhile.